its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
