Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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