I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize
