I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
