Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
