Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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