i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
