I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
