No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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