just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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