I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
