I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
