Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
