i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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