So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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