You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
