I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
