when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
