youre lurking in front of me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
