I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
