That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
