I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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