My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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