There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
