Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
