Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize