Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
