i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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