Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
