I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
