Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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