so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
