I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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