i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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