I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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