First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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