An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
