Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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