His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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