The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
