I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
