i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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