It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
