On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
