This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
