i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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