I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
