I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
