Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i came on her dog
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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