I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
